Bathroom Etiquette

There are a host of unwritten rules (and steadfastly adhered to) of bathroom etiquette which dictate how men choose and act around bathroom urinals. For example, when you walk into a bathroom with three urinals, one unoccupied, every self-respecting man in the universe will choose the furthermost other urinal. This is innate knowledge; I was never told or instructed that I should/had to act this way.

However, I have no idea how to act when I encounter a urinal in a co-habitational bathroom. Here's what I just encountered: men & women's bathroom, one urinal, one stall, one sink. Everyone associated with this installation should be quarantined in an educational camp - like what the commies did with Jed & Matt’s father in the movie Red Dawn*.

*This is just occurring to me, but Patrick Swayze might merit consideration as the most popular actor of all time. Seriously? I'm as surprised to be writing this, as you are to be reading it. But answer me this: What actor has more movies that fall into the category of "I just cannot bring myself to stop watching it whenever my remote control finds it?" I can think of four or five off the top of my head. Whether or not you cannot turn them off may be highly dependent on your gender, but their ever-presence on cable TV evenings tells the story here. Let's examine the body of work:

Road House: “His name … is Dalton.” In what might his most readily findable (when is it not on TBS or TNT or Spike?) silver screen offering Swayze plays a cooler named Dalton. A cooler is bouncer who magically transforms your dive bar into a delightfully neon-glowing music destination. Patty boy does this by a) being nice; b) breaking tables in half with surly bar patrons heads; and c) befriending kooky all men that make references to elevators in outhouses. It is just how I’d do it. Naturally he also beds the local blonde doctor and disposes of the original source of evil & surliness so that all can live happily ever after. I’m sure you’ve seen it 50 times yourself. Here’s what I want to know: does he retire and live off the blonde doctor’s income the rest of his life? Because if all the town’s evil has been disposed, how’s Dalton going to make a living?

Dirty Dancing: Why, why, why on earth did Jennifer Grey get a nose job? Have you seen her lately? Jennifer I am sure you are tired of hearing this, but we weren’t kidding when we thought & told you that you were hot, hot, hot in Ferris & Red Dawn & this girly movie. Anyhow, in the DD (tragically not related to Dungeons or Dragons) movie that your girlfriend/wife insists on leaving on the tube, Johnny Castle weepingly insists that “we are going to do our kind of dancing!” Baby’s father becomes so distraught and disturbed at Johnny rubbing all over his little girl that he leaves the family and becomes a homicide detective in New York City.

Red Dawn: 1980's action epic where the Soviets invade America only to be thwarted by the Swayze lead band of Wolverine's. Wolverines! Girls, if you are reading this at the same time your fella is reading on a different PC, you can tell when he got to the "Wolverines!" since his right arm involuntarily extended high overhead with a half closed hand. Why half closed? Cause he's holding his imaginary assault rifle. In his mind, he’s ready for the pinko invaders. This knowledge should help you sleep better at night. Your home and family will be safe if the Cubans attack. But you might want to watch the movie again just to be safe.

Ghost: Why did the writers of Ghost and Swayze’s character Sam dislike Dave Brubeck? That one little line where Sam declares that they (Sam & Molly) hated the Dave Brubeck concert has always bugged me. And a lot. Was The Dave Brubeck Quartet a studio sensation and stunk the hiney on a live tour? It is possible, but it seems highly unlikely. I’m betting that these two characters just don’t get it. Don’t enjoy a good concert. But they feel like they should go or that it is the thing to do. Which just plain stinks, because these people make me wind up paying more $$ for concert tickets. I hope they never figure out that Robert Randolph and Luther Dickinson are gods. I know I should allow myself to get past this, but really I don’t think I want to watch the rest of movie anyhow.

The Outsiders: Rest in peace Ponyboy Curtis! It pains me to say this, but looking objectively at my life, I imagine that I’d have to fall into the Soc's category. Why then do I root and cheer for them to get their butts kicked? Where’s the cheering for the home team. Of course I realize that the Soc's would always loose, but I’m a Phillies fan & 2008 notwithstanding, I should be prepared and fully accepting a futile rooting interest.

Those are five movies that come to me immediately. Examining his IMDB page reveals some other gems and some that we just won’t mention**. But I’m saying that Swayze’s record, at least on a popularity of film basis, is incredibly strong.

**"I am an EFF - BEE - EYE Agent!"

After we are done re-educating and neutering the designers of co-ed bathrooms with urinals, we are going to need rules for how to handle the one stall & one urinal situation until these bathrooms have been eradicated. Here are my suggestions:

1. Guys: when entering an empty bathroom, you should opt for the stall regardless of business intent.
2. Guys: when entering a bathroom and you see the stall door closed you should immediately utter “excuse me”. A male response allows you proceed with to the urinal. If the other guy is done before you, he should give a ten count after exiting the bathroom to hopefully block the door and give you enough time to get to the hand washing phase.
3. Guys: seriously – wash your hands; with soap
4. Girls: if you enter a bathroom and find someone at the urinal, please do not engage in conversation. If you want to shoot straight into the stall that’s up to you, but keep the excuse me’s and hello’s to yourself.

I hope all this helps. I'm not sure how it will, but I'll hope it anyhow.